When life ends

Tomorrow, 11/23, 12 weeks will have passed since my brother's death.

Since returning to work, I find that I am more emotional when dealing with a patient who is transitioned to comfort measures only. From just this past weekend, one of my patients who desperately needed an organ transplant was never going to receive one for various reasons. This patient was transitioned to comfort measures, and it was my understanding that the patient's family understood what would happen in the next few hours. When my patient passed away, his/her spouse began screaming, wailing, throwing his/her self to the floor in total disbelief. I stood shocked by this behavior and eventually had to excuse myself from the room because I found it too upsetting.

Once I left the room, I began to reflect on why my patient's spouse acted in such a manner. He/she had known for sometime that it was coming to this; there was ample time to prepare. My patient passed away within several hours of the transition, quietly and appearing to be at peace. This was not a drawn out horrific event, like others that I have been witness to. I simply do not understand his/her behavior--it made no sense to me and it still does not.

I then began to think about my brother's passing. I believe Maurice had a good death; he was made comfortable and passed surrounded by family. I took the night watch, with my brother that is closest to me in age (Noel), and we sat with Maurice talking about his past exploits, all the while laughing and remembering better times. When Noel would take a break, I propped my feet up on the sofa next to a sleeping Maurice, and I worked on Sudoku by candlelight. I believe that when you sit with someone who is dying, it is ok to talk and laugh about life. We are celebrating and remembering that life.

When my life comes to an end, and if my family has a chance to be present, everyone please surround me with stories of our life together. Do not wail or scream, and no throwing yourselves on the floor--that is just ridiculous. Honor me with your smiles and laughter.

I miss you my brother.